Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
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Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby