My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
My favorite farside!!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.