I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
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ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
everyone’s a critic
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.