A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
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not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.