While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
You Might Also Like
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Choose your fighter
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
New tinder profile pic
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.