Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
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“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table