I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
sensitive skin
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.