I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
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#have a #great #PancakeDay
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
inside you are two wolves
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.