Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
You Might Also Like
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.