I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that