Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
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In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
fr
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
😅🤣😂
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
next question.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*