Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
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I’m sure it’s fine.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Check out the legs on this baby
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.