First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—