Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1