Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
You Might Also Like
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
💻🤡
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.