Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
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I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I feel it