good for her
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If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.