Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
You Might Also Like
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?