I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
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Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?