Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
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Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Him: i like a girl who鈥檚 not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I鈥檓 sorry 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
This fish is cracking me up
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Ugh I鈥檝e put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”