The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
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Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Why is no one talking about this?!
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
🤣😂
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!