ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
man: wait
time: no
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it