Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Omg 🤣
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.