Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
You Might Also Like
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Who’s your best friend?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now