Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
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Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?