[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.