Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video