count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
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Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.