I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
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Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Realize this:
looks legit
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
#SuperBowl
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?