*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.