Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
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Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
this is so top tier i cant
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice