Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it