popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
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Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’