What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
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What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this