Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
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[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My inexpensive home security system…
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”