H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
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Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
so, is there a mister shapen head
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
we all know this pain all too well
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice