Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
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Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.