Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.