These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
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HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there