*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
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I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Autocarrot sucks!
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules