My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings