A little too much information.
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Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
i’m still crying at this
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.