Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.