When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
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It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
okay run it by me one more time
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!