The game has officially changed 😎
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
why I oughta
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?