me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Hey I worked for it too!
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER