the rocks need my help
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Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.