Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.