[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.