the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
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There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.